Perpetually Fat

This post is about something that bothers me day in a day out. Probably because I'm closer to it than anyone I know who reads this. However, there may be someone who is reading this blog that understands [truly] where I am comming from.

From the time I entered high school, I started to gain weight. And from then on it's been an uphill battle. I think possibly my body just decided to shift in a direction that was more "genetically pleasing" and I became pudgy. Having always been small (a size 9 was really fat for me when I was in Jr. High, now I double that number) this was a huge psychological problem for me. Not only was I entering high school, the dreaded domain of the cheer leader and reign of the preppy gods, but I was also gaining weight. In the years to follow it made me utterly miserable.

Turning to my mother for support, I got nothing. Well, I suppose I can't say nothing, I got all kinds of bribes. I've been told "if you lose weight we'll send you to Disneyland!" or "if you lose weight we'll send you to Hawaii!" Right, just what I needed, something to make me feel worse about myself, and remind me how bad I look in a bikini, or even shorts for that matter.

It was these kind of parenting skills that lead me to crash diet just about every diet out there, that I could eat. Being allergic to several foods, I wasn't able to do the grapefruit diet and the like. Also, the ones I couldn't possibly afford have also been out of my reach, like Jenny Craig. Not that I want to be Kirsty Alley or anything, but I digres.

I've tried the eat every 3 hours diet, I've tried cutting out all the carbs aka the Atkins diet, I've tried eating nothing but a bag of M&M's and a Diet Coke, and I've even done it the healthy way by exercising 5 days a week for an hour and a half and eating correctly. Also among these diets have been an abundance of diet pills, from apple cider pills to TrimSpa to Metabolife and even Herbalife. But all to no avail.

Recently I've been diagnosed with a condition that is caused basically by being of child baring age (20-40 years old) and overweight, and they have no idea why it strikes some women and not others. It's called papiloedema, and it can cause me to go blind. The long and short of it is I have too much spinal fluid and it's causing pressure on my occular nerves. But, luckily I've been able to be set up with a nutritionist.

Finally, I'm hoping that it'll be someone that will tell me what I'm doing wrong and or right, and get me the fuck off of medication. Honestly, I could give two shits weather or not I lose a bunch of weight as long as I can get off of all the damned medication they've got me on.

I was told that seeing a nutritionist wasn't going to be covered by my medical insurance; but I have a sly doctor. He changed the wording around for me, and viola I've got a referal to see a nutritionist at no cost to me! I still have to call the guy; so we'll see if it turns out to be a real nutritionist or some guy that says to me "you need to eat less and exercise more!" bla bla bla...been there done that, it didn't work!

And just in case you're wondering, I'm not a fat lazy bitch that sits around the house and eats everything in sight because she's bored and then wonders why she's so fat. I work 2 jobs that frequently keep me out of the house for 12-15 hours of the day. At which time I don't eat at all. I eat breakfast before I leave for my first job, and then if I'm lucky I'll eat something for dinner when I get home.

I just get so tired of being stereotyped into that category of people who are fat because they eat too much and are lazy. I suppose I do have society and the media to blame for that one. And I'm not trying to be a cop out, but could I just be fat because I'm genetically pre-disposed?

I'm happy now, and I'm extremely lucky that I found a man that loves me weather I'm Kirsty Alley fat, or Lindsay Lohan skinny. He'd rather see me happy and healthy, but he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what; and for that I appreciate him more than I could ever express. And slowly, I'm peeling back the layers of damage done to me by my mom and her misguided attempts to "make" me lose weight. But somehow I can't help but think that this isn't my fault. Not that I don't want to take responsibility; because believe me I'd be the first to step in and stop whatever action I was doing that was making me fat if I knew what it was.

I dunno, I'm just so tired of being perpetually fat.