S.A.D.

It's been a while since I blogged....a long while. Every time I come to the computer to blog, my brain goes blank. Then, I'll be in the shower, or in the car on my way somewhere and I'll get a great idea for a great blog. But by the time I remember or get to the computer it's lost. This one, I simply couldn't forget. Probably because it's something that effects my daily life.

Have you ever felt really uncomfortable in a room? I mean, walk into the room and want to run for the door because you didn't want to come in the first place? Not because you didn't like the people there, or the things that were happening there; simply because you feel so damned uncomfortable around people you don't know. That's me.

Tonight I went to a friend's house for a small get together where there was dinner and a movie; and wives from another boat. I was excited to get invited! Finally my ability to make friends wasn't being thwarted by the enemy, it also meant that my friend making retardation had finally started to get normal again! I'm not a freak! HAHAHA! I decided I was going to make cookies and everything.

I got the cookies going, and then it started to go bad. The filling for the cookies wasn't thick like I needed it to be, and the ganache was taking WAY too long to thicken, and to top it all off the chocolate shortbread was pretty thick, and I needed it to be much thinner. I started to wonder if maybe I shouldn't go to the party. Because of fucking cookies, that weren't even a requirement to bring, I didn't want to go to the party!?!

Then it hit me. I was making excuses not to go, really stupid excuses. I mean honestly, who doesn't go to a party just because the cookies that they wanted to make didn't turn out exactly like the picture in their head?? I took a shower, and calmed myself down about it while I got ready, and then went back into the kitchen. I put the cookies together and then on a plate and covered them and bravely walked out the door to the party.

I found the house no problem. But as soon as I parked the car it struck me again. Sheer terror that I simply wasn't going to be accepted and everyone was going to hate me and my cookies. I talked myself down; figuring that there would probably only be a few people there any way and it was no big deal. I bravely walked up to the door and knocked. As I walked down into the living room and set the cookies down my fear became even more prevalent and then my defense mechanism kicked in. I started to babble! Luckily for me I can turn out some pretty funny babble.

After a while I relaxed enough and made some friends, and had a kick ass time. Everyone loved my cookies, and it was a great night. But I can't shake the feeling that I may have a slight case of Social Anxiety Disorder. It can't be too extreme, because I still go out and I can still do things, but it's got to be there on some level...

Social Anxiety Disorder: If you have social anxiety disorder, you often get very nervous around other people. It feels like everyone is watching you and judging you. You're afraid of making a mistake or looking like a fool. You'll do anything to keep that from happening. You might even avoid certain people, places, or social events. Social anxiety disorder affects over 16 million Americans.

The thought of becoming the crazy cat lady, and turning into a total shut in terrifies me! That's probably why I still go to things like the party tonight. Once I'm out and there I always have a great time, it's just a matter of getting me there. Plus, the last thing I need is another doctor telling me that I need to be on another medication!